The Highway of Love

On the Highway of Love, I sometimes feel like a drive by diner or cheap motel.

Reactions to this observation have ranged from "How sad" to "How true".

When you think it through, these stop-overs between the rocky ardous journey to and from relationships are such a welcome relief for weary travellers. And no, I am not talking about the friend who will listen to you winge and then buy you a beer. I am talking about Surrogate Relationships. (SB=Surrogate Boyfriend, SG=Surrogate Girlfriend)

Here I want to draw a thin and perhaps imaginary line between SR and Rebounds. People you rebound to may not be as clear about their role in helping you to rebuild your life and things could get seriously messy. Reboundees (folks you rebound to) may try to fill every raw space left behind by the loutish bastard of a boyfriend. SB's will take care of the peripherals like socials, companionship and tissue, but know that many areas are off limits.

Personally, I think it is less messy to be a SB than a SG. For starters, physical intimacy rarely features beyond the occasional hug or hand hold. Also, as discussed with Pearlywhirls, men can always play it dumb and dense - "oh, I thought we were just friends."

I have had friends who call me after breaking up and then we will spend the next couple of months chillin's out at resorts, going on dates, hanging out at beaches. Then one day, it will all stop and they will shly tell me that they have met someone else. Following the script, I will tell them that I am happy for them, wish them well and stow away my beach towels.

On my side, I keep myself sane by doing periodic checks to remind myself that SRs are not exclusive. The moment I find myself getting jealous I will discipline my thoughts and fantasies.

Of course there are the masochists who insist that we deal with reality head on and not indulge in escapism. I personally think that having an intimate friend can really take the edge off a broken relationship.

Still, there is a price to pay and running the diner is not without its pitfalls.

1. the traveller may mistakenly think the diner as their final destination and try to gain permanent resident status.
2. the operator may breach his professional duties and get all emotionally tangled up with the customer and saying goodbye becomes a drawn out and messy affair.
3. while operating the diner, the operator may not have the time or energy to hit the road himself.
4. Saying goodbye is almost always tinged with slight regret regardless of who says goodbye first.

To date, many of my SGs are now some of my closest friends even though they are married with kids. in contrast the friendship rarely survives the breakup with my actual girlfriends.

Nonetheless, I will admit that the cons do outweigh the pros. I do not encourage folks within the church community to start forming SRs after a break up. There simply aren't enough restraints to prevent it from turning into a rebound. It does help if you are a marraige fascist and your friends are 'incorrect'.

I know I won't be bitter

When you leave for another

Rest as long as you need

I might still be here on your return trip

Postscript: This is not a blog entry describing how one can go about becoming a SB or SG. It is to throw light on an oft overlooked facet of human relationships. That somewhere between being friends and BF/GF, there is this little sliver of water where the currents flow quite differently.

Comments

[pearlywhirls]

haha given i was quoted (conversation was in slightly diff context!) i had better substantiate by saying that im not for ambigious rships & believe we shd try our best to be as clear as possible in this area, esp since hearts are at stake. being responsible/loving cld hence mean refraining from being dependent on that guy (or girl where it applies) for comfort, company when most vulnerable, irrational (post breakup scenario). group outings &/or chilling with fellow girlfriends wld surely fill the gap till youre ready, no?

having said that, the grey area is sometimes the platform from which meaningful, beautiful rships devt. i accept that there can be boundaries but no concrete rules in this very tricky arena of lurrrve :)

[wiwimu]

How true, the above. Used to think relationships are simple but when you grow up, you realise that nothing is simple.

[Themarxx]

Pearls, having been through not a few SRs, I hate to say it, but they were like the coolest thing I've ever had with girls. All of the yummy attention, sexual tension, but no complications/obligations.

While I can suggest that I was too chicken to take things to the next level, I think I should credit the Holy Spirit with restraining me from doing some very regrettable things.

But I agree - There are definitely healthier, safer alternatives to SRs. And it is hubris to think ourselves immune from temptations within such an ambiguous arrangement. Will tell you about it sometime. Deeply personal, deeply disturbing.

Wiwi
Yah, just when you think you have everything worked out, hey walah! Tell me your SR tales the next time we go skating.

[Saffy]

Erm, yeah... it's been a great experience too. Yeah. Previously, I had absolutely no idea of the existence of SR's. Just thought they were the unique trademark of Themarxx and nobody else has them. I always knew you have been a SB to many, just didn't realize that it could work the other way round with you either. But glad I was able to partly occupy that bit of empty space you had then and there.

[Themarxx]

Horrors! Being visited by one of my SGs! hee hee. Thank you! Thank you! And I thank God we didn't do anything TOO regrettable either. hahahaha. You'll always be really special to me girl-friend!

[mich]

Am ever so greatful to my best gay buddies for their manly comfort when i was feeling all crummy. Those sweeties dated me out on Valentines, gave me a rose, planted a kiss, held my hand, & hanged out with me kicking pools of istana's water pools till the wee hours of the morning. A straight guy friend would be thinking too much about whether he's crossing lines.

[Themarxx]

heh. agreed with that line crossing thing. But isn't going out with gay men a little similar to hanging out with your brother? You essentially toss out the whole sexual tension thing. hee hee. I kinda like walking on a wire.

[orangeclouds]

Well we always knew you live dangerously :)

Yeah grateful to my best gay bud too for playing SB when I needed it, like on birthdays and weddings.

Hmm, can't recall any straight surrogates that didn't wind up as relationships. I think Saffy cd be right in saying that serial SBdom is a trademark of zemarxx. hahahaha. Most folks can't deal with the ambiguity.