Badass Literary Treatise

That Old Handphone

My mum and dad were recently given vouchers to spend on new handphones by their service provider. It reeks of socialist economics, but is in actual fact a really slick marketing gimmick. Nevertheless, I will leave an exposition to men more learned that I.

So there was a bustle of excitement in the household as mum and dad agonized over which new handphone they should get. And of course, they consulted [and eventually ignored] the resident geek.

Even with a feature rich phone, they will still use only use the call and SMS functions. I'm starting to think that handphones are evolving like the human brain. When it was the size of a walnut, we used about 90% of it. Now that it is the size of a pomelo, we only use 10%. Ah well....

Putting aside my wounded pride (they disregarded my sage advise!) I shamelessly suggested that since they already have the $XXX.00 voucher, perhaps they wouldn't mind not trading in their 'in-perfect-working-condition' phone for that measely $50.00 and donate it to my fund raising efforts for the church building. My Mum agreed and I quickly found buyers willing to pay double what the retailers were offering for a trade in. My Dad traded in his phone before he heard my proposal.

If you have recently recieved a voucher to 'upgrade' your phone, why not consider donating the 'trade-in' value to a nice and worthy cause? I'll be happy to handle all the legwork if you'll pass me the phone.

Grandpa

The fish you kept

We twirled and swirled

But you never got angry

You gave me money

To buy some sweets

And I returned the favour

By wrecking your dentures

With the bubblegum I offered

You showed me how to use

That antique sewing machine

To perforate holes

For my art and craft

And when you asked me to read

The newspapers about your shares

I was impatient and curt

Grandpa, my memories of you are few

Even though we shared the same house

For so many years

I thank God that you could have seen

Your children and their children's children

Brought up to fear the Lord

And to be called home peacefully

When your time came.

Farewell 'Kong Kong'.

We miss you already.

To Mr Moo Sim Hong. 1913 - 2006

Favourite Movie Songs

Ten most memorable songs from movies that I have watched in my life-time:

1) Do You Love Me by the Contours

From the movie Dirty Dancing. Baby walks into the American Boomer revolution as we see a ridiculous mix of whites, hispanics and blacks crotch rocking in the backrooms of the sixties. It is all she can do to hold on to the melons.

2) Girl You'll Be A Woman Soon

From the movie Pulp Fiction. Mia invites Vincent home and turns on the tape deck for some slutty music. Meanwhiles Vincent explains the morality of the situation to his reflection in the mirror - "Now I'm gonna have one drink, say good night to her, go home, jerk off, and go to bed"

3) As Time Goes by

From the movie Casablanca. " Of all the gin-joints in the world" Ilsa walks into Rick's and asks Sam to "Play it, for old time's sake". Rick makes a beeline for the piano and a whole slew of classic lines are birthed.

4) You've Lost That Loving Feeling

From the movie Top Gun. Maverick and Goose pull a really lame number to hit on a chick in the bar. If the rest of the bar stopped singing, we will quickly realise that Tom Cruise should never cut an album. Note: Attempt this only if you are able to pull a 4G inverted dive in a Tom Cat, otherwise, stick to developing Spidey powers.

5) Take My Breath Away by Berlin

From the movie Top Gun. Maverick chases Charlotte on his Harley after a tiff. Catches up at her house where she tells him she loves him and they make sweet love under the glare of the setting sun to the music of Berlin. The make up make out rocks!

6) All Star by Smash Mouth

From the movie Shrek 1. The opening sequence where shrek performs his morning ablutions. You gotta love that underwater fart thing.

7) You Never Can Tell by Chuck Berry

From the movie Pulp Fiction - The famous Jack Rabbits Slim Twist competition where Vincent and Mia takes off their shoes and pulls lopsided 'vees' across their eyes.

8) Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen

From the movie Dirty Dancing - The movie plays to every mainstream sexual cliche without any frontal nudity. The studio scene with Baby sandwiched between Johnny Castle and his partner is the mandatory menage troi allusion. The song is totally unrelated to the scene and plot development, but, yeah, what a sight for sore [teenage] eyes.

9) Johnny Be Good by Chuck Berry

From the movie Back To The Future Part 1 - Michael J 'Mcfly' Fox crashes his parent's prom, plays Chuck Berry's signature song and really gets the party going. Apparently Rock and Roll can save your [future] soul, never mind the fact that such temporal paradoxes can never exist within an Einstienian cosmos.

10) Hit The Road Jack by Ray Charles

From the movie Ray - While in a smoky hotel room, Jamie Fox quarrels with his mistress and writes a great piece of music. Uh... sure

So what's your favourite movie song?

Toe Counting Rhyme

My boss has been urging me to write rhymes for children. I'm not sure it is a good idea.

Two by two

Let's count the toes inside our shoes

Two! Four! Six!

Skip the seven count the eight

Now let's stand

And end our count with a shout of TEN!

What's that you say?

An extra digit? If I may?

How right! How true!

There is an extra toe on you

Here's a scapel, I'll make a pass

And make you normal just like us

Rag and Bone Geek

Beware: Shameless Solicitation at the end of this entry.

I am a GEEK.

I know this because of the sheer amount of computing muscle which resides in my room. At the Peak of my Geek, I had 2 desktops, 2 notebooks and 3 Pocket PCs running simultaneously. This excludes the 2 other 'back up' PCs in my closet. Some people collect shoes and handbags, I guess I just find it difficult to throw away my old gadgets.

My room was starting to look more like a Sim Lim Square Ghetto instead of the Techno Love Nest I had originally envisioned it to be. I guess it is time for a little house cleaning.

I moved one PC over to my new exlusive clubhouse because 'sharing PCs is like sharing underwear - they don't call it PERSONAL COMPUTER for nothing'. and donated another to my friend's business.

I also heard that ARPC was looking at a hardware upgrade and figured that some of my hardware could be put to good use: sell off the techno junk and put the proceeds into the church building fund. My biggest worry is that I will take the 'junk money' and gratiate my iPod lust with the IM7, so I'm posting this as a form of accountability.

I am also making an appeal to anyone who may suffer the unfortunate maladition of collecting electronic junk to purge their room and donate the proceeds to a worthy cause. Specifically I am looking for that computer or computer part that you just got a replacement for. Televsion sets, old DVD players (why would anyone need 2 DVD players?) That discman discarded in favor of the sexy new iPod....

If the idea of assessment, refurbishment, finding a buyer and delivery seems a bit of a hassle, let me handle it. I'll be more than happy to play Rag and Bone man.

Materialism i0i

For the longest time, I held off getting an MP3 player.

Whenever I needed to travel with my extensive music collection, I always lugged it in a notebook. I installed an MP3 capable player in my car and burned CDs with 160 tracks. I even made sure that my car system had an Auxilliary input so that I can plug the notebook in if 160 songs wasn't enough. 4 generations of 'iPod' and 3 types of 'Zen' could not sway my resolve.

And then one day, I opened a box of chocolates and, instead of munchie treats, found myself staring at the 5G iPod Video. Ooh-la-la.

And we all know that getting a new gadget is like having a baby. It never stops there. You have to accessorise the damn thing or folks might question your committment as a parent/ gadget owner.

"What? no protection of any kind for gadgetbaby?"

"Doesn't that colour just look spiffy on gadgetbaby?"

"To bring the best out of your gadgetbaby, you simply must have one of these wingwangs!"

The paradox of this generation arises from the juxtaposition of mass production/ consumption against an increasingly individualistic worldview. Where self is determined and distinguished by choice, accessories are the key to being a unique individual. Like Joey Bling Doh, we want to be different, just like everyone else. The unaccessorised iPod is an icon of irony.

There is plapable pressure to get my gadgetbaby the bestest coolest thing money can buy. After all, it doesn't matter the least bit to the gadgetbaby what brand of rags he just pooped on. It is all about what the accessories say about the gadgetbaby owner. We are like the Borg - we assimilate objects into our identities.

My newly modified behaviour includes walking into Apple outlets, checking out sites like ilounge and actually using iTunes. To date, I think I have been rather moderate in my expenditure

1. St Martin's iPod Video Protective Shield - $28.00

2. Griffin's iPod Wireless Remote Control - $69.00

But that could change with the most tempting Apple of them all: The Altec Lansing IM7

Totally Portable. Incredibly snug iPod Dock. Sub-Woofer. Tweeters. Remote control. $399.00 price tag.

Just the thing for beach parties, picnics and church camps.

I try to tell myself that the color doesn't match my black iPod Video. And that seems to be working for now. Let us pray that Altec Lansing doesn't decide to release the IM7 in black.

postscript: This is not a 'look the gift horse in the mouth' whine about the iPod I recieved. I love it to the kazoo. I am just rather alarmed at the behavior modification that came along with it.

I'll Cry Too

The tears streaming from behind purple spectacles mingled with leaking mucus and the delectable mixture threatened to dribble into the yawning mouth from which gasping cries were being emitted.

I broke off the conversation with the teacher, hurried over and crouched down next to the pudgy little boy. The name tag sewn into his uniform gave his name as Ping Shi.

"Hey there! Why are you crying?"

He looked at me and fresh tears brimmed. OK, time to try another tack.

"Those are nice glasses, make sure you dry them later OK?"

Teary eyes turned and focused on me. Ah Ha!

"Do you like your glasses"

"Ye.. Yes... I chose them myself"

"It is a nice colour. Is purple your favourite colour?"

"Yes it is"

"You mean your mum and dad actually let you choose your glasses?"

"Yes"

"That is so cool! When I had to wear glasses, mum and dad didn't let me decide at all. I wouldn't want you to see how silly I looked in my old photos"

He laughed. Yes!

In another minute he was telling me about his best friend that he made since day one of school and was prattling along until his teacher claimed him.

When we were small, our problems seemed huge, and we forget about them so quickly. Were that it was so easy to dry the eyes and take away the pain of those close to me.

I'll Cry Too by Nouveaux

Candlelight contains the night
Heaven lends an ear
and I lift you to the throne
Sending empathy on a summer breeze
To brush the window sill
Where you sit alone
Ooh, the silence whispers your name
Echoing tears with the rain

Chorus
Something told me you might be crying
Lying with your smile, alone
Something told me yours may be troubled eyes
Broken windows to your soul
For every tear that you cry I promise you, I'll cry too

I have seen the hearts of queens
Broken now and then
One of them is yours
I won't lie if you ask me
Why it's gotta be this way
But I may not have much to say
Ooh, the moon reminds me of your face
As I pray your heart finds grace

Unpacking Old Poetry

Bear with me as I shamelessly post further evidence of my incapacity as a literary genius. This time I have chosen to declassify stuff written many years ago. Two months into a relationship and she realises that the man she loved could not be found in the man that I was and called it off. And so I wrote. My favourite line in bold :)

Cruel fate tempts me with happy hopes
But leave me only with Clarity
Born of tragic experience.
From such is the mortar for cynical bricks formed.

I accept for now,
That sweet love shall not be our draught,
Rather to drink the bitter medicine of life's lessons
Or to take refuge in the heady mead of merriment and forgetful toil
Hold not our tongue from tasting the bitter
Pledge thus to learn much from this episode
And faintly hope that it will steer our hearts
Towards gentler seas and safer harbors

For to love true and to love deep
Requires of us courage that exceeds Reason's realms
But let no one say 'coward'
Or even cast a shadow on my earnest
You that have checked my resolve
For you accept none safe
that which costs nothing
that which is packaged conveniently
that which is already shaped and honed

Know that even for friends
The genius of our age have failed
To produce them made-to-order
For in the good book, it spells clear
That a friend sharpens another
Even as iron sharpens iron
That love is foremost patient
Even as the Lord is patient
In the shaping of our lives
That perfection is a goal attained by love
Not a requirement thereof

Surely many fail at this awesome venture
Not for lack of compatibility
But of attempt
So many stop at the foot of the Mountain
Consorting with cowardly Despair
Instead of being counted with noble Courage

Do you seek the broad and easy path to love?
Fortuitous are those that find such a way
But pity them that know not
The true worth of the treasure they have

Grow wise, dear heart
For all my earnest desiring
And all the courage that love may lend me
Shall not overcome the clarity
That I am but two short months known to you
Yet in this time, that for which you had affection
Was merely an illusion
And the contrasting truth prompts you to hope
That the next will be more perfectly matched
In illusion and reality.

You desire an orchard of sweet apples
But give no time for it to grow from an ugly discarded core
Even a farmer lovingly and patiently tends his fields
Knowing well that they will not always be full of weeds and rocks.
Grow wise, sweet love
And learn that the dearest in life
Are rarely chanced upon
But oft are the result of loving toil

Irreducible Complexity and Intelligent Design

Here's a little something I wrote a few months ago because it cropped up during cell group discussion. Not sure why I didn't post it. :)

There is a war going on for the classrooms of middle America. Evolutionists are shocked that despite 3 centuries of Enlightenment and Scientific progress, a good 70% of people in America still believe that the world was created by some god. You won't read about cool stuff like that in our local papers.

Intelligent Design offers, as an alternative, that complex systems emerged as a result of purposeful intervention, rather than random chance. One of the banners they march under is the idea of Irreducible Complexity which says this:

The component parts of certain systems are meaningless in and of themselves. And yet, taking away even one of these components renders the system non-functional. The only way these systems can exist is if they were intelligently put together.

All said and done, Intelligent Design falls short as the magic bullet that Christian apologists are looking for to prove the existence of the God of Paul, Abraham and Moses. It does not tell us Who, or Why or How. And in a way I am glad for that. My God makes himself know via revelation, not  investigative proof.

Despite its glaring inadequacies in answering the real questions of the meaning of life, it has nonetheless proven to be a real bugbear for Evolutionism. I would suggest Intelligent Design as a more credible poke at Evolutionary Theory than a comeback that goes "So how come the monkeys in the Zoo don't evolve?"

Santa's Elf Finalists

Presenting the finalists for Santa's Elf 2005. Please submit all votes before 31st January.

Contestant number 20 "Fork Me in 'er Head Man" has been disqualified due to an unusually high sugar ratio detected from the random drug test.